SE13

I imagine a day where I, unshackled, walk up to the intercom and press the numbers to Alaska. I'm instantly transported to a memory that I know I cherish. Roller-coastering to Bank, walks to see the bow of a landlocked ship, seeing the majestic laser into the night sky and just existing. Even something as mundane as getting a tv cabinet or buying a carpet can be unforgettable. You know?

At the wharfy junction, you have a choice. You take the train going the direction you want. Maybe life doesn't have to be a single shade of your choosing. Sometime life chooses for you. And sometimes, it's a rainbow. Alas, we don't always have all the time we want.

©2025 Aman Gupta

The 80% people

Have you ever looked at something you built and wondered if it's good enough? 

I always thought that things you do have a diminishing rate of return after a certain point. And as the completion rate nears 100%, the effort needed to move the needle tends to infinity. At one point, you start wondering if it makes sense to spend more effort on it or just call it a day and be content with the current state. It's a paradoxical situation where for something to be completed perfectly, it requires a seemingly limitless amount of effort. It implies a scenario where the task, while finished, demands continuous and unbounded exertion, in order to maintain perfection.

That's where the 80% rule comes in - at some point you realize that no matter how much effort you physically put in something, it barely moves the needle. This is the point where the curve it at its peak and it requires extraordinary efforts to make a difference. So, you call it a day and be content with what you've got, which is mostly north of 80% of the thing you started out to achieve. Pretty good I'd say, but I know some will disagree.

It's choosing imperfect happiness over a toiling perfection. You need to remind yourself that you are the one in-charge of your situation - you need to call the shots. You know what it is like to put everything you have into something and feeling the frustration of not being able to make a difference. You can just take solace in the fact that you did everything in your power to move the needle but sometimes, expectations do not match and that's okay.

I'm choosing to believe in light at the end of the tunnel right now. Not because I need to but because I want to.

©2025 Aman Gupta

Serenity

Searching for a direction. Generally guided by forces of incomprehension and irrelevance, my thoughts wander in search for a retreat. A place without time, troubles, deadlines, diseases, wars and full of hope. A place so basic, every thing is tranquil.

Sadly, it has eluded for most part of my life. There were always moments when I felt within grasping range of its shores but they are scattered and always seem to show contempt at me for some reason. Coming so close and going away again. As always, there were many paths which led to my station and I've nearly trodden all of them.

“In the middle of this journey, we lose a bit of ourselves. We do not know where we are or where we’re headed. We look for directions, seek for guidance, and if we’re lucky, we find it without too much time lost. And if we’re truly lucky, we gain our whole selves back, with an ounce of wisdom on top.” 

It's easy to just raise your hands in the air, give up your liberty to those who value it less and are always up in arms with their ideals to force down everyone's throats. Then it is no longer your retreat. It is someone else's. And it will not represent the values your cherish, nor the ones which brings you peace.

I guess, there's always a way. A hidden path if you will.

It's up to you to find your way in.

"You can't take the sky from me."


©2015 Aman Gupta

30-ish

“Too many times,” his standard response, “I don’t really keep count.”

Today was my second day at the Pool and here I was ‘chatting’ him up like I’ve known him for years. He was an interesting character, no doubt, but there was something else about him that egged me to keep on talking with him, even after yesterday’s ‘accident’. I guess it was his confidence which lent the required weight to his chatter, more than anything.

“A good day then, huh?” I asked him, knowing his response already.

“It was neither bad nor particularly good I’d say.” He said as he dipped in his head for some bubbling exercise.

I guess he says that about everything.

“There’s one thing that I don’t get, why did he even say yes in the first place?” I asked him, hoping for a definite answer this time round. “I mean, this guy doesn’t know you, hasn’t seen you in the office before today, let alone working together, and yet he says yes without ever asking you about specifics?”

“Let me just say that he didn’t need to. At least he thinks that, so it doesn’t really matter.” He said pulling his glasses down. He was getting ready for his first lap. He has this fixation with numbers and today he said it looks like a 30-ish day to the guy on the locker counter.

I’m still thinking about what he just told me when he returns from his lap. “Too much chlorine today, again.” Not surprising, public pools here are rarely maintained like their private counterparts. “30 is good here.”

He returns a minute later. “Maybe it is a bit too much after all.” He says after removing his goggles. “What’s the matter? You seem a bit upset.”

“Too much of chlorine for my taste as well.” I lied.

Yesterday I saw this man go crazy mad over the poor lifeguard for a nonissue and here’s him asking me what is causing me to be upset, after he just told me what transpired in his office today.

He put on his goggles, “Well, swim up or you’ll be holding your breath for nothing.”

I work in a big company, handling the end product QA, have 5 people reporting to me hourly at work, clients of my company calling every other day complaining about random nonissues and yet, I’ve never met someone as obnoxious as this guy free styling across the length of pool in his blue speedo.

“So, what are going to say to him when you meet him tomorrow?” I asked him when he returned.

“Nothing really. That is if I do meet him at all tomorrow.”

I looked at him again. He’s probably in his late 20’s, working in some new company which recently opened its offices here in this city, probably some leased space on the fringes of urban sprawl. Don’t think he yet understands that he may have ruined the life of his work colleague in a matter of minutes.

“When do you plan to start out?”

He just shrugged and went for his last lap of the evening.

He returns 5 minutes later, “I guess after the shower.”

©2015 Aman Gupta

The Road

I suppose it does get a bit contrived towards the end. I mean, as time goes by, the charm walks along with it. Or, maybe runs. Hell, I'd say it even has a strap on rocket launcher, but then that would be too particular of me.

It was like walking on a long road. It was not the smoothest of roads, but well, it was one with the charms. At least at the beginning of it. Well, it was like any other road in ways that it twisted and turned and even kind of forgot its own way in the middle but always did find it later. Not the smoothest of roads, but well, it really had the charm. It's really fun, walking down this road. Lots of new things to see and feel and observe.
Not the smoothest of the lot but well, it still has the charm going for it. Really long though, no doubt. I wonder what it'd be like if it were smooth. Probably not that good. I'm already at a very bright horizon, led to by the road. But it really isn't that smooth you know. Kind of difficult to walk, if you ask me. But hey, there's always the charm of it. Yep, it's there alright.
It's been some time, my feet hurt from walking on the road. You see, it isn't the smoothest of the lot. The charm's still here. No doubt. That should be enough. Slipped up on the road a couple of times, hurt my knees, but that's alright. If you walk a road, and roads are made to be walked on, you will trip once in a while. Okay, a couple of times. Alright, a dozen.  It's quite fine really. I'm too busy noticing the way and admiring the wonders to pay much thought to it.
It really has been long now. Travelling on the road. No it is definitely not smooth. Kind of rocky lately. My feet's all bleeding from the sole. The charm, yeah it's here somewhere beneath all the rocks but the rocks hurt for the most part.
Alright, I think it's enough. My feet are wobbling and giving up on me and while I think I can crawl on ahead, I don't think more injuries would do me any more good. It's a road alright, not smooth and too rocky. The charm was there but it's buried beneath all these rocks thrown by the road. Can't really see it anymore.
I think I'll stop now. Say bye to it for the last time, always afraid of it. But there's no more way ahead on the road. More rocks maybe.

The road's not smooth. But it's a road alright.


©2014 Aman Gupta

Edge

You ever get that feeling, when you've put in everything you've got into something and at the end you feel like standing alone on an edge? 

Fueling the pump which moves the black thing in my veins, the never fading echo falls on my ears and the world is silent again. The hum of the winds, buzzing of bees and the smell of trees - lost in the deep abyss. When the rusty wheels derail off a slippery track, it's most probably the end of line. Washed up on the shore, crashing waves reminds me of a distant collision. The building of a crescendo, a singular point of convergence. All roads lead to the empty bookstore.

Sitting alone on the edge, with one foot resting in air, looking at the stars and wondering if someone's listening to the fading beat of the heart. You can only go on for so long, the wind says. Head bowed to circumstance, this spot of secularism your lone vigil. They tell of good places, the gardens, the waterfalls, the rivers shimmering in moonlight, the view from top of the Khalifa, lying in the shadow of Giza, would have been nice to visit someplace I guess. The grimace hides behind it a lifetime worth of troubles from the obvious eyes. The eerie silence makes it feel like a second home, one can always get lost in drifting noise and people, it feels almost nearly good here. Almost glad, I suppose.

You keep pushing forward and forward, until it's the end of the road. And all roads lead to the empty bookstore. I almost want to be there now. I'd pick silence over noise of life any day.

You can only go on for so long... and all roads lead to the empty bookstore.

©2014 Aman Gupta

A Part that's empty

It's not easy, you know. It never is. To fill an empty space you need a piece of the same size as the hole - and I'll tell you, it's not easy. How I see it is that I think there are two options to solve it- Either we find the piece that will supposedly fit or we try living with that hole and pretend it doesn't bother us. I always thought finding pieces is easy but then again, there never was such a big emptiness as it is now.

The jagged nature of the cavity only makes it difficult. Reaching into boundaries and leaving the prickling sensation when it's absent. It really reaches far in. I don't really suppose that hope's ever lost but I guess hoping here is futile. There may never be a perfect piece to fit and I don't suppose moulding some piece is the right way to absolutely fix this.

That leaves me the only other option I can come up with on my own- living with it. Living with the sensation, the temptation and the constant need to hear the pulse- doesn't really sound that good but it's an option preferable to hoping for a recovery. Because, sometimes, hope can be a poison which when pushed will make you lie to yourself for comfort. It's not healthy, believe me.

I will endure. The sensation's not unfamiliar, just the intensity. The light may be gone in summer, but winter is the time when it gets dark early.

It's up to you to flick it on.

©2014 Aman Gupta

Stirrings

Time is at a standstill. An infinite ocean of dark starry skies. Moments in peace and tranquillity. A long vastness and emptiness settles over you and really, that's just how you want it.

There's a worked out pattern in the universe, everything, more or less, happens according to it. Twirling of stars, beating of hearts and just about everything you can think of. Life itself is a cycle of beginnings and fateful endings. The only real rule of universe is, everything that starts must end sooner or later. Sometimes you thank that things got over sooner than later but mostly, you wish if there was a later to speak of.

The silent night sky cares not for your troubles, it's merely there. At all times. Some people take comfort in embracing this and others just frown and kick air.
The silence is disturbed sometimes by an echo from the deep reaches of the star systems, it can numb your senses for a few seconds but it'll pass and the silence will be restored again.

The darkness isn't new to you, it has always been there. Not as a predator but as an accomplice. There's no running, only embracing.

I'm not alone because others can't embrace the truth. It's because others can't embrace the truth, I'm alone.


You won't be hearing soon. Till it's late.

©2013 Aman Gupta

Slumber

You can go only so far, sometimes.
Imagine.

You are at a far off place, there is no way of knowing where you are and where you are headed. There is a distant thought lodged deep in your mind but you can't be sure. There's light at the end of the tunnel but you're afraid of what lies beyond. You have no previous memory of who you are, you just woke up from a very deep slumber. All you can remember is that you were really tired before you shut your eyes.
There is a rush in your veins as you're sure you've never felt before. There is a sense of awakening and the energy is pulsing through your complete body.
You are now sitting, staring at the light. You're curious and the newly found energy urges you to move forward. As you get up and start to take your first steps, you notice your surroundings. You were sleeping, not on a warm bed, but cold floor. Odd but no odder than the walls of the tunnel, which seem to be plastered with odd symbols in different colours - you wish you knew what these meant but for now, the light is your destiny.
Now that you are moving towards the light, your curious mind wants some answers. You start to question the reality, if it is reality at all. For some reason, it seems to have a dream like quality to itself. There is no way to know if this dream will break at any moment, this does not make you feel easy. You have come too far now, you want to know what's at the end of the tunnel and you're scared that the dream will break before you reach the end.
Walking briskly now. A whole tapestry of symbols pass away on the walls are you rush past them. Somehow, the light is still not getting any nearer.
Stop now to catch your breath. You're still full of energy and determined to reach the end, just that, you need to take a break. It's like you're been walking towards it for eternity since you can't reference time.
You start walking again. This time, you pick your brain by looking at the symbols for some recognition. There seems to be a pattern in the symbols, you're very sure of that. Still determined to reach the end, you put the interesting symbols at the back of your mind and continue.
Another break. More symbols and more pattern this time. Suddenly, you make a connection in the symbols. Walking towards the wall, the symbols start making more sense. The obvious pattern and the design, somehow, it's not new to you. You let your gaze turn to the other sections of the wall, and suddenly, there is a sense of comprehensiveness which strikes you.
As you continue to move ahead, going wall to wall, making pattens, you don't notice you've come near to the end of the tunnel.
The last symbol, now being accounted for in the pattern, revels nothing. You learned nothing from the symbols and it seems like decades since you're been going about studying them still, somehow, you're learned something along the way but again, you can't be sure.
You are now standing at the end of the tunnel, afraid and curious at the same time. You step into the bright light, waiting for it to give you the answers you desire.

Then you wake up.

©2013 Aman Gupta

The 3 Demons

It's a burden nobody should have to bear. It's a problem nobody should ever face. Like the mythology character we so lovingly despise, I can hear voices in my head which I have no control over. They promise of false paradises, of wishes beyond and oddly, everything I ever really wanted.
The muddled thought process, the striking opinions, counter wishing and a lone hunger for more.

It wasn't long before I became requited with these demons inside of me. All they ever preach is death and destruction. The first one preaches about a time not long gone, an exercise in foolishness. The second one tells about what is happening right now, futility and stubbornness. The third whispers about nothing but death and devastation in the foreseeable time.

I'm fighting my best fight to regain control of myself. I'm not sure where this is headed, but it didn't work out well for our mythological character.




©2013 Aman Gupta

Stories

I often feel that I encapsulate emotions in my stories. Sometimes just to get away from them.

©2013 Aman Gupta

Regaining Senses

This isn't about anything particular. To all you who are here to judge me on this, please do that in your head. I really could use some less of people climbing over me. Basically what I'm trying to say is, this is just me venting out. Nothing to see here for anyone else. I'll write for you guys some other time - this is me saying this to my non existent readership.


See, when I started this blog, it was about getting the writer in me to come out. So in the older posts, you can see the rough edges, the theme simplistic and the words rudimentary. It's still pretty much the same sloppy writer inside of me just coating the thoughts with difficult to read words.
For sometime now, this blog has been more of a venting place for me. You guys know this already. You guys have read what I write here. You see, for someone like me, this is really a god sent medium.

Anyways, what's this one about... uh, well.... Nothing straight up. Life has again thrown some shit at me and I'm again trying what I can to not let it bring me down. Kind of a routine thing these days.
Erm.. That't that. See you guys in a bit.

Nothing to see here. Move along.

The Backgroundsmen

"The problem with being smart is that nothing misses your sight and you're blind to everything else."

Roll Camera, 3rd Person:
We have grown used to the idea that everything somehow gets better towards the end. Everything gets fixed, the Hero gets the credit, the girl and everything there was to get in the plot. Drop curtains. Roll credits. Pretty good story, right?
It's always been about being 'The One', the desire to fit in the shoes of someone essential and absolutely important is embedded deep within the human emotion. You see, this person, is someone who always makes the right moral choices and so, he is 'bound' to succeed. He can do no wrong. This brief sense of elation that we get when seeing this guy on screen getting everything is the same as we ourselves get when we fulfill our dreams.
The problem is, somewhere, the lines of reality and truth gets blurry and gets tangled up with the one we're fed at the theater with over buttered popcorn and soda.
You see, we are the most important  person in our lives. We think it's rather fair that our lives be like 'The One's' - Actually, we take it for granted really. We like to pretend that everything that's happening around us will eventually lead to better things for us. This is a well kept lie of our lives.
But such lies have their own way of coming to light.

Camera, Shift to 1st Person:
Things which are complicated enough, are often false. That's what I always say. Anyways, this here is not about the guy riding on his horse into the sunset but rather about the guy who lost everything and took the blunt of being in just the background. I like to pretend that what I do is good. You know, the writing and stuff. It gives me a a right to condescend without facing moral dilemma. Stuff that I do, make me superior than most so obviously, it's all about me and some more of me. Bow before me, worship me and bring me neat stuff.
Alright, where were we again?

Shot, Back to 3rd Person:
We are often faced with a situation where we are at crossroads with our morals. We cannot go ahead with our lie. We have to face the truth. It has accumulated over time and now is much potent. The most protected lie is usually the one which breaks you. Because you would do anything to keep the illusion of false hope and go on with your life. If, say, there comes an impasse, we try to get around it - understanding fully it isn't possible. Making new lies to protect the one.

Roll over to 1st Person:
I'm really in a sort of dilemma. The confusing lines of moral authority that I thought I had gets distant day by day. I'm losing the grip on my thoughts. I run around writing things that make no sense when read by someone other than me. Historically, not good for any writer. Na-ah.
Such admittance is usually characteristic of people with issues, mine comes from the fact that I'm have a lot going on in my mind than in my life.
Everyday, I wake up with a renewed zeal which goes down with the incessant barrage of inflicted and projected emotions. What was an exercise in Logic and Reason before is now a  muck of conflicting emotions for me. I guess this outta diminish my life's joy a bit.

Switch to 3rd:
There's always a person in your life you want to beat. I'm not saying you want to go behind the alley and kick his ass, or that you just want to see them miserable and scream manically 'I win, you lose.' No.
It's more like there's a person who has what you want but either he doesn't value it or that he doesn't treat it the way it should be treated (by your reckoning).
But as the comic nature of our tangled plot hinges on this other person getting the thing, there's hardly anything you can do to make it otherwise. You see, it's the classical paradox. You are given a choice which has no effect on either the present or the future. You can take it as your moral values are put in question while others around you suggest not to - either making no impact on the truth. It's a kind of kid's game where at the end, everyone wins and so, everyone loses.
That's always fun, right?

Pan over to 1st Person:
The point where I cannot live with your self and decide to take things in your hand is the day I went turbo. I told myself that maybe the future has more in store for me, because that's how it works. I have been brainwashed to believe that I'm important in my life.
From that moment on, I tried the move the immovable rock of destiny. And watched my morals get squashed ruthlessly. I think, things like these leave scars. The eventual buildup to the tipping point suggested a grim outcome and it wasn't wrong. I'm afraid things will turn for the worse from here.
I can't force someone to make a choice they are actively trying to avoid so I guess I'll have to make it easier for them by withdrawing my candidature.
Pretending to be happy while you're tortured from inside - It's a good skill to have when most of the time you are putting on a brave face for the world to see.
I do believe that some gestures are more comforting than most but these lose their value when the person getting them holds the optimistic secondary position in the priority.
The convoluted nightmares of falling from heights have a new meaning to me now.


Won't say anything anymore. Told you so.

©2013 Aman Gupta

Answer

Some of the really good questions thrown at me involve a very peculiar question of which I have always had an answer ready at the tongue but never feeling the time ripe enough to divulge the mystery.
Well, I do believe the interaction is a two way process in which an answer is given for a question asked by the participants. So, I figured, chuck it, I can safely say the answer without telling the what's it for. The question is now really the new mystery.

Well, the truth is, I'm afraid. Like seriously. I mean, who wouldn't be when that's all you've seen till this point. I don't say that's it the most that life can throw my way but it's enough for me - so just keep the larger perspective out for a bit. I've seen things and this is still a very simple and yet life changing thought.

So, you can't blame me for being afraid, it's just like that - things tend to repeat as if stuck on a very similar depressing loop. You can't get out of it because you don't want to - it makes you weak and still want you to be a part of it.
To recap, I've been 'targeted' for a very apparent reason and while I'm far grown out of that fear - a shadow remains. You see, it's not easy to leave a skin of you behind - it's something which eventually gets embedded into your conscious. You're never 'not aware' of it. It's classic paranoia.
Well, this had led to a very unpleasant experience before and I never really shook it off, no matter how much I told myself that I had.
Let's come back to a more familiar setting, I'm back in the loop - after telling myself that things are different this time round. Except this time, it's not my confirmations which need support. See, I was 'not around' for a long time and things... well, they kind of went in a direction I never imagined. This didn't bother much at first and I was letting it slip unnoticed. See, here the loop winds itself around me.
Anyways, it's more about why exactly this time round I need more support than ever. See, things were already a bit messed up - lines were blurry and being a man with foggy lens didn't pan out for me. I never realized that deep within other people, there still lies a very fundamental want for things to work out their way. And their way was... let's just say sketchy.

Now I would like to divert the reader's attention to a social observation: There are two chimps in a cage. A large one and a skinny one. A banana was given to the larger chimp. The banana being stale or not of liking was immediately rejected and thrown out the cage. The other chimp put out his hand for the banana to be given to him instead. As soon as the banana was given to the other chimp, the first one snapped at him and took the banana for himself.

The reason I mentioned this old and rudimentary observation is that humans are pretty much the same. That I knew and ready to believe in. But what if the banana had a will of it's own? Would it prefer to be taken by the larger chimp?
These thought experiments are not science and really more of random pondering. But, I'm going to stick with a yes. This is actually an inference of another observation which I'll keep for some other time.

Emotions tend to get conflicted then and there's an ever going battle between what's obviously right and what's obviously your right. The potent force of truth seem rather lost. I'm stuck in the loop, again. I can't get out of it, because I simply don't want to.

I won't quit because I'm just a hopeless optimist. The problem is, other people are too.

©2013 Aman Gupta

Familiar Loss

A note before reading: Don't let me bring you down. This is a serious bit of a downer. I'm kind of in a particularly bad mood for weeks now. You can probably guess.

It's almost fall again. Winter is just around the corner.

Sometimes, it's just something you feel in your head, you know. Like that familiar feeling of nostalgia or that even more familiar feeling of loss that can't be put into words, depends on who you are.  
Not that I'm any more cold than I was before, I do sense an unfamiliar new chill taking my spine. As if my every sense was preparing for this, the times are going to get tough, they hinted.
I can't really blame them. It's been like that for sometime now - maybe, you know, this is just not my thing. It was supposed to get over before it even started so why the loss of words?
Today, I get to say I told you so to myself and yet, I don't want to.
It's been like that, for as back as I can remember. They say it's your choice to make what you may of yourself - I don't say any different. It's just that I don't know if I can take any more of myself.
I've always told myself, at least I'm with you. Sounds a bit sad but after all, it's really the truth. What do we have really but ourselves when the outside world turns ugly?

I guess it's just that little hope that makes us human, which poisons my mind. I almost let it lead me into another hole it had dug up, fresh for me. I'm not saying that it's bad for you - you're probably very happy right now reading the sad delights of another man and judging from behind a screen because unlike me, you actually have learned the trick, haven't you? To not let it poison your mind?

I'm just a human, I make mistakes. I try to minimize the collateral but it still stings - a lot. I take flight in the promised and delight infused hope. Hope that I'm actually more than what I've probably thought about myself till now. We all do that, so spare the judging this time.
It stings a lot when you see the hope leave you after a day in the sun, you almost nearly blame yourself.

I guess it must be easier for you to just let it go and move on, never turning back. That what makes it so hard for me, I can never go on leaving promises behind. Things tend to get messed up themselves after that.


©2013 Aman Gupta

Fate and Faith

I'm a bit down. That's a very understated truth and more of a far fetched lie. 

In dedication to Carl Sagan.

I breathe in, and breathe out. Somehow, this sole act combined with the compression of my heart are a warm reminder - reminder of my mortality. I look up at the sky when I feel alone, the stars, the incomprehensible vastness of the universe amazes me to no end but also reminds me every time  that in this vast ocean of space - I'm just a humble bit of carbon. Human beings are not designed to live long you see, we have a very (and I cannot stress this word enough) short lifespan - not even worth a second on the current cosmic timeline.
Every other day, I wake up wondering if anything important will happen today - but the skeptic in me always reminds me that no matter what happens, it won't show up on the timeline of the species. Sure you can argue that events add up, that, the infinite probabilities existing for the next second or even the next year take a hit for every action we perform now and finally collapse into a single future - which we experience then. I wish this made me feel any better about the future, if anything, this makes me feel paranoid for the present.
We are a young species, barely into the third day of the cosmic timeline. We have inter-earth politics, wars, disasters, crimes, religions, race and what not. I feel sad for the slow human conscious, we don't constitute a second ourselves but still we are pretty bent upon petty issues. I can only wish someday, in a distant future, a man will wake in world free of the shackles which bind his conscious to the materialistic world and he would then finally understand his role in the overall scheme of things.

But why, of a sudden, have I taken such a sad direction for my life?
Well, in my opinion, the emotion of sadness is pretty subjective. You can say I have more feet resting on the planet which borne me. I understand that even though I will not live to see the next century, I know somehow, our species will endure.

Sure, a century seems like a long enough time - maybe twice the lifespan of an average man in the 1800's but  when we look at it on a broader scale, it represents merely a second on the cosmic timeline. I guess this is why our species is so slow on waking up and lacks the wisdom to make an impact on the universal scale. It's just like an unstable particle in a lab, short lifespan - lots of potential. This is why most of the population of our planet is happy letting things slide, this is how they justify their greed and agenda. They simply lack the vision and the patience.

We have grown up listening to tales and watching media which popularizes the idea of Humans surviving against all odds. Well, as much as I like to say that I believe in the idea, there's a small part of me that keeps me skeptic. I ask this very simple question: What exactly do we have to offer the universe?
We just are. The sooner we confront the truth that we are just a product of a very lucky set of circumstances and that we are not special in any regard than any other life form which evolved during the same time as ours, perhaps in another sol system, we archive a state of belonging and togetherness. We begin to think just how alone we are and how we have been wasting what little we have - both time of the universe and our planet.

The global conscious is slowly waking, the last century saw remarkable leaps in our understanding of the universe. That will keep me going for now but I still feel bad for our species, we have such short lifespans that we cannot even begin to comprehend the mysteries that lie out there.

I know my eventual fate as a sole human, but my faith in the future of humanity remains unshaken.

©2012 Aman Gupta


Author Note: This article actually started out to describe all the troubles I have in my world right now and how the circumstances are testing my resistance to bow before them (and how I will not) but ended up being something else entirely. A somber reminder that we all have far more to worry about.

Choices and Life

There is always a time when you just wish it'd pass. Like you really can't find anything worth going through all of it.
Sometimes it's hard to point at a certain event which makes you feel the way you are feeling right now - or maybe they are a combination of multiple events which conspired to rob you of other emotions. Of course we can just say that we don't care about what others think we should do - but the sad truth is, we are slave to petite emotions. As much as we say that others opinions don't matter, they in fact, actually do, don't they?

As much as I want to be as mediocre as I possibly could, people will always ask why I'm wasting away myself? Why am I not paying attention? Why am I not making the right decisions, even when I know the consequences of the wrong ones?
My answer has always been the same - It doesn't bother me. In my mind, which by the way is very weird place, I've never seen myself holding the Cricket World Cup, the key to the city, or the Annual Young Developers Scholarship award for not so young developers. I'm not saying all this stuff won't be good - it'll probably be awesome - but what difference does all this make after a while?

A wise man in a wise movie once said, "On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. This is your life and it is ending one minute at a time."

Whenever I see a big accomplishment I imagine it in my mind - the moment, the paparazzi, the cheers and the celebrations, everything. But once the moment has passed, all I see is a dark room with old cups and yellowed papers with me sitting on the floor, alone. Then comes the next thought - "Was all this really that important?"

Back to the present now, life is a bit lack luster right now. Only a handful of things really get me going, things which wreck the sleeps of many just about manage to show up as a sad little grimace. It takes time to realize how much I have changed - probably missed a lot of indicators along the way. I think it's now time that things start to make their importance felt, again.

It goes on so long that people forget what you really were before. I think it's time that I flipped the switch back.

I'm making a choice. It'll define me - as choices have a way of doing, over time.

©2012 Aman Gupta

The Perfect Timing

Its just the regular day. You look down and see your feet shaking from nervousness. Its a mild attack of tension. You don't lack the confidence, like everyone else say, but rather you lack the 'conditions'.
It is the speech class, you know its your chance to speak any minute. You have prepared a long and moving piece of speech. Yet, you hesitate. Its not because you lack the confidence, its because you don't think the audience you are supposed to speak to will give it a thought.
You are afraid that the audience will not react the way you want them to, will not look what you want them to look. The guy in the back row is listening to music on his phone, the girl in the second row is busy peering into the handbag of her friend, the teacher is looking only for a less than ordinary speech. "This is no drama class, just make your point already!", she would say to you. The guy sitting in front of you returns to his seat, he receives good comments for just a minor point he made. You think to yourself 'what a stupid point, that don't even begin to describe the real idea behind his topic.'. You look at him, he's very composed now.
It's your turn. You look in the eyes of the teacher, she's a bit irritated because of all the chatter from the third row. You get up and walk nervously to the center of the stage. The moment is now, you tell yourself.
You have made your mind. You are just about to speak when there's a shout from the back row - "Can we leave the class ma'am?"
After that, you just give a plain and boring -even monotonic- speech with a single point. "That was good", the teacher says "Good work".

Piece of a Shattered Glass

Many times we find ourselves at a breaking point. There are two things one can do now. The first is to just ignore what is making you -take the fall, so to speak. The Second option being show your anger physically or by other means.
As the memories of a past life speeds through your brain, you begin to question your sanity. You think weak. You act weak. Those targets which seemed so easy a while back seem like an impossible dream now. All those crippled memories of Failures and under achievements line up for a share of your mind space. A concentrated effort from them at tugging you to cross the breaking point. The society doesn't accept failure. In your frustration, you turn to the other side of your personality -which you didn't even knew existed. A self destructive and narrow seeing mind starts to connect the wrong dots and reach a conclusion which you earlier thought foolish and impractical. The Angered self does not see the other way, does not listen to my story, it just does.
A dormant and drowsy mind just pretends to not care for anything that happened and is too lazy to do the work of connecting the dots, the right way. It takes the shortcut - ignores and continues.
The World suffocates me, I am a failure for not raising up to its expectations. My memory span mirrors my daily routine. The only thing I really do, in my not so humble opinion, is try to convince others to do the right thing. Try and Fail. Try and Fail. Try and Fail. Try and finally Succeed. I'm not feeling bad for the world, I'm just a small man with selfish ambitions at heart -I feel bad for myself. For I am what I made myself. Hope, its something I lost, you don't have to lose it too.
And you won't disagree. That's its beauty.
Many times we find ourselves at a breaking point. There are two things one can do now. The first is to just ignore what is making you -take the fall, so to speak. The Second option being show your anger physically or by other means. There's a third option, but you will have to figure this one out yourselves.

the Art of Having Nothing

Look Deeper

Do you get the feeling that today was going to be any different, I mean any different from yesterday? or, feeling all cheered up for some reason, maybe something great was going to happen?
This something big may be anything, a impending call, a meetup with an distant old friend or finding that lost sock you were searching for since Thursday. The thing is, you are happy in this moment. This is YOUR moment, you are looking forward to today. You don't ponder what will happen tomorrow, you just look forward to the things which are in your head right now.
You are anxious, people don't see that you're acting differently, they keep minding their own things. You wonder.... Why? Can't they see that I'm a completely different person today?
Everything's the same, yet different somehow. You find sense in the small things you don't usually find meaning in. Things like that old clock, which decorates your wall but isn't working because you forgot to change the batteries, or maybe the dripping water from the broken tap, they all start to make their own music in a unique way.
Deep down, in you mind, you really don't want the moment to pass... its like time starts to slow down for you and that moment can't be here any faster.
Suddenly, you realize a strange thing, you can't control what happens today. Nothing is planned. Everything is as random as God's Dice. You start to have doubts, was this day really yours to begin with?  What would happen if that special moment I've been waiting for never comes?
You check everything back to front, yes, I'm Sure. You tell yourself. Building Hope as you do so. Perhaps that momentary lapse was meant to be a check for you. You look back and smile, there's nothing to worry. I know it'll happen.
Perhaps in your own sub conscious, you know that you can't control it but you still know its going to be good. That's the key thing. You can't lose something... that you don't have.
Are you looking Deeper?