SE13

I imagine a day where I, unshackled, walk up to the intercom and press the numbers to Alaska. I'm instantly transported to a memory that I know I cherish. Roller-coastering to Bank, walks to see the bow of a landlocked ship, seeing the majestic laser into the night sky and just existing. Even something as mundane as getting a tv cabinet or buying a carpet can be unforgettable. You know?

At the wharfy junction, you have a choice. You take the train going the direction you want. Maybe life doesn't have to be a single shade of your choosing. Sometime life chooses for you. And sometimes, it's a rainbow. Alas, we don't always have all the time we want.

©2025 Aman Gupta

A Part that's empty

It's not easy, you know. It never is. To fill an empty space you need a piece of the same size as the hole - and I'll tell you, it's not easy. How I see it is that I think there are two options to solve it- Either we find the piece that will supposedly fit or we try living with that hole and pretend it doesn't bother us. I always thought finding pieces is easy but then again, there never was such a big emptiness as it is now.

The jagged nature of the cavity only makes it difficult. Reaching into boundaries and leaving the prickling sensation when it's absent. It really reaches far in. I don't really suppose that hope's ever lost but I guess hoping here is futile. There may never be a perfect piece to fit and I don't suppose moulding some piece is the right way to absolutely fix this.

That leaves me the only other option I can come up with on my own- living with it. Living with the sensation, the temptation and the constant need to hear the pulse- doesn't really sound that good but it's an option preferable to hoping for a recovery. Because, sometimes, hope can be a poison which when pushed will make you lie to yourself for comfort. It's not healthy, believe me.

I will endure. The sensation's not unfamiliar, just the intensity. The light may be gone in summer, but winter is the time when it gets dark early.

It's up to you to flick it on.

©2014 Aman Gupta

Swiftly

Dedicated to Nayanika - you're so sweet and we all love you :)

This one has been long over due and I'm sorry for it.

The wind starts to blow on a lush green landscape, the summer smell reminds me of a distant memory. Everything in sight is painted in the summer colours, yellow, green and blue as far as I can see. As my feet touch the soil, I can tell this sensation will be cherished long after it's gone.
The can feel the wind in my hair. My senses are awake and my eyes try to soak in the mesmerizing sight all at once, which proves to be difficult. The slow coo of birds mixed in perfect harmony with the sound of wind and swaying trees tops, feels musical and magical at once. The great virtuoso pulls the curtains over and it's suddenly starting to rain.
The horizon is a shade of blue-black, with the sun peeking from behind. The sound of rain hitting the earth triggers another memory buried deep. Slow claps of thunder rock the scene but I'm not afraid, I feel overwhelmed at nature's wonderful orchestra. The flash of lightening is streaky and oddly lightens your heart. In an instant, I've let go of it all.
The rain drops tingles the senses, it's cold but heart warming. The water in this rain has travelled very far to be here with you at this moment. This reminds me of home, a distant one.
Slowly, the grey clouds give way to the blue skies and it's bright again. I figure there's a meaning in it all but I'm too hazed too think about it too much. I go back to listening to nature and everything's beautiful again.

©2011-2013 Aman Gupta

Slumber

You can go only so far, sometimes.
Imagine.

You are at a far off place, there is no way of knowing where you are and where you are headed. There is a distant thought lodged deep in your mind but you can't be sure. There's light at the end of the tunnel but you're afraid of what lies beyond. You have no previous memory of who you are, you just woke up from a very deep slumber. All you can remember is that you were really tired before you shut your eyes.
There is a rush in your veins as you're sure you've never felt before. There is a sense of awakening and the energy is pulsing through your complete body.
You are now sitting, staring at the light. You're curious and the newly found energy urges you to move forward. As you get up and start to take your first steps, you notice your surroundings. You were sleeping, not on a warm bed, but cold floor. Odd but no odder than the walls of the tunnel, which seem to be plastered with odd symbols in different colours - you wish you knew what these meant but for now, the light is your destiny.
Now that you are moving towards the light, your curious mind wants some answers. You start to question the reality, if it is reality at all. For some reason, it seems to have a dream like quality to itself. There is no way to know if this dream will break at any moment, this does not make you feel easy. You have come too far now, you want to know what's at the end of the tunnel and you're scared that the dream will break before you reach the end.
Walking briskly now. A whole tapestry of symbols pass away on the walls are you rush past them. Somehow, the light is still not getting any nearer.
Stop now to catch your breath. You're still full of energy and determined to reach the end, just that, you need to take a break. It's like you're been walking towards it for eternity since you can't reference time.
You start walking again. This time, you pick your brain by looking at the symbols for some recognition. There seems to be a pattern in the symbols, you're very sure of that. Still determined to reach the end, you put the interesting symbols at the back of your mind and continue.
Another break. More symbols and more pattern this time. Suddenly, you make a connection in the symbols. Walking towards the wall, the symbols start making more sense. The obvious pattern and the design, somehow, it's not new to you. You let your gaze turn to the other sections of the wall, and suddenly, there is a sense of comprehensiveness which strikes you.
As you continue to move ahead, going wall to wall, making pattens, you don't notice you've come near to the end of the tunnel.
The last symbol, now being accounted for in the pattern, revels nothing. You learned nothing from the symbols and it seems like decades since you're been going about studying them still, somehow, you're learned something along the way but again, you can't be sure.
You are now standing at the end of the tunnel, afraid and curious at the same time. You step into the bright light, waiting for it to give you the answers you desire.

Then you wake up.

©2013 Aman Gupta

Hallucination

I wake up and don't look back to yesterdays.
A Mind infused with insecurities and difficulties. A long and painful demise of a Yellow Star, prime in its life. Although my mind often plays tricks on me, I never give in to them. Always finding the truth distinct from unreal conclusions. Light seem to deprive me of itself lately, I see shadows of a young carefree boy whenever I take a turn in the opposite direction, which I often do. My World is as expansive as the Universe itself, I might have so many people who would say 'Yes' to my questions but none really mean it.
One Day, I conjure up an Idea. The simplest of ideas. I told myself I could pass, whatever comes. I start slowly, often looking back, trying to retrace my 'experiment' - It was a success, I had the control over myself. As I grew confident of the results of this experiment, the 'retracing' exercise was eventually abandoned. It was a wonderful feeling, I felt my existence actually made a difference. The Days were brighter, the longing nights got shorter. I grew more confident. So confident that I forgot this was an experiment in the first place. The Idea, the simple idea took hold of me slowly. As the things began to change, the conditions for the experiments also changed rapidly, there was no longer the suitable environment. But, with the original knowledge of Reality lost in the Idea, it became impossible for me to go back.
I tried everything, in my reach to get rid of the Idea, but it was too late, the Idea and Reality had now merged, no longer distinct from each other. The origin of Idea was never traced, so never could I get the blame on anything except myself. The Voice from an indistinct yet different past screams at me for my stupidity.
There, walking in the Shadows, is me, in a parallel word. He is the most empathetic towards me, he knows what I have been through and understand what other fail to. He puts a hand on my shoulder and says "Keep Living the Dream - As long as you can wake up from it" There is pain in the eyes of this new man, compassion and a desire to be loved. His hands tremble from the weight of his own burden, the burden I won't help him with even as he begs me to help him in carrying it to the other side. He then starts to cry but finally laughs.
I see the joke now, the laugh comes from my own mouth, those tears still fresh on my cheeks. My hands trembling from their own weight,  the lips silently murmuring the cry for help. All this time I was looking in the mirror of reality, making promises to myself, offering wisdom to myself.
I see smoky figments, they say we will help you but only if you play their own game, a maliciously designed un-winnable scenario. I trade my soul for the gamble of making the game easier. I lose, lose everything but this mind. They leave my mind behind, they know I will eventually start torturing myself with it - because they know, my mind is infected with the Idea.
Awake.

Back from the Hell. ©2011 Aman Gupta

News :)

A Revelation from and For Myself

I spent the last month writing about the year 2009 and what it meant to me. I wrote about all the things that changed me or rather transformed me to what I am now. I wrote and wrote…. and finally, the rough write was finished and in my opinion it looked one of my best works which needed to be polished a little, just like a diamond. I became obsessed with the ‘article’. Now, little did I knew that article was brewing me, stirring me and casting me in the casket of a dark person.

I read the article one more time, with lights on. I found out how miserable I had been!

Now, I won’t go into the details of my suspicion of the cause.  I read it again and again…until finally I started to laugh, like I had never laughed before. The days ahead seemed to look more cheerful and promising. Yes, my life was ready for another twist with a new fire in my heart!

I read the article one last time to reflect on my mistakes and chose to forgive myself, finally……. Ha, I’m Back WITH A BaNg!!!!!!!!!!

LIFE WON’T EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN………….
Friends, I will always be there for you, for you were there when I needed you the most.

-Aman Gupta, Back….

(C)Aman Gupta 2009-2010