Choices and Life

There is always a time when you just wish it'd pass. Like you really can't find anything worth going through all of it.
Sometimes it's hard to point at a certain event which makes you feel the way you are feeling right now - or maybe they are a combination of multiple events which conspired to rob you of other emotions. Of course we can just say that we don't care about what others think we should do - but the sad truth is, we are slave to petite emotions. As much as we say that others opinions don't matter, they in fact, actually do, don't they?

As much as I want to be as mediocre as I possibly could, people will always ask why I'm wasting away myself? Why am I not paying attention? Why am I not making the right decisions, even when I know the consequences of the wrong ones?
My answer has always been the same - It doesn't bother me. In my mind, which by the way is very weird place, I've never seen myself holding the Cricket World Cup, the key to the city, or the Annual Young Developers Scholarship award for not so young developers. I'm not saying all this stuff won't be good - it'll probably be awesome - but what difference does all this make after a while?

A wise man in a wise movie once said, "On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. This is your life and it is ending one minute at a time."

Whenever I see a big accomplishment I imagine it in my mind - the moment, the paparazzi, the cheers and the celebrations, everything. But once the moment has passed, all I see is a dark room with old cups and yellowed papers with me sitting on the floor, alone. Then comes the next thought - "Was all this really that important?"

Back to the present now, life is a bit lack luster right now. Only a handful of things really get me going, things which wreck the sleeps of many just about manage to show up as a sad little grimace. It takes time to realize how much I have changed - probably missed a lot of indicators along the way. I think it's now time that things start to make their importance felt, again.

It goes on so long that people forget what you really were before. I think it's time that I flipped the switch back.

I'm making a choice. It'll define me - as choices have a way of doing, over time.

©2012 Aman Gupta

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