Familiar Loss

A note before reading: Don't let me bring you down. This is a serious bit of a downer. I'm kind of in a particularly bad mood for weeks now. You can probably guess.

It's almost fall again. Winter is just around the corner.

Sometimes, it's just something you feel in your head, you know. Like that familiar feeling of nostalgia or that even more familiar feeling of loss that can't be put into words, depends on who you are.  
Not that I'm any more cold than I was before, I do sense an unfamiliar new chill taking my spine. As if my every sense was preparing for this, the times are going to get tough, they hinted.
I can't really blame them. It's been like that for sometime now - maybe, you know, this is just not my thing. It was supposed to get over before it even started so why the loss of words?
Today, I get to say I told you so to myself and yet, I don't want to.
It's been like that, for as back as I can remember. They say it's your choice to make what you may of yourself - I don't say any different. It's just that I don't know if I can take any more of myself.
I've always told myself, at least I'm with you. Sounds a bit sad but after all, it's really the truth. What do we have really but ourselves when the outside world turns ugly?

I guess it's just that little hope that makes us human, which poisons my mind. I almost let it lead me into another hole it had dug up, fresh for me. I'm not saying that it's bad for you - you're probably very happy right now reading the sad delights of another man and judging from behind a screen because unlike me, you actually have learned the trick, haven't you? To not let it poison your mind?

I'm just a human, I make mistakes. I try to minimize the collateral but it still stings - a lot. I take flight in the promised and delight infused hope. Hope that I'm actually more than what I've probably thought about myself till now. We all do that, so spare the judging this time.
It stings a lot when you see the hope leave you after a day in the sun, you almost nearly blame yourself.

I guess it must be easier for you to just let it go and move on, never turning back. That what makes it so hard for me, I can never go on leaving promises behind. Things tend to get messed up themselves after that.

©2013 Aman Gupta

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