Some of the really good questions thrown at me involve a very peculiar question of which I have always had an answer ready at the tongue but never feeling the time ripe enough to divulge the mystery.
Well, I do believe the interaction is a two way process in which an answer is given for a question asked by the participants. So, I figured, chuck it, I can safely say the answer without telling the what's it for. The question is now really the new mystery.

Well, the truth is, I'm afraid. Like seriously. I mean, who wouldn't be when that's all you've seen till this point. I don't say that's it the most that life can throw my way but it's enough for me - so just keep the larger perspective out for a bit. I've seen things and this is still a very simple and yet life changing thought.

So, you can't blame me for being afraid, it's just like that - things tend to repeat as if stuck on a very similar depressing loop. You can't get out of it because you don't want to - it makes you weak and still want you to be a part of it.
To recap, I've been 'targeted' for a very apparent reason and while I'm far grown out of that fear - a shadow remains. You see, it's not easy to leave a skin of you behind - it's something which eventually gets embedded into your conscious. You're never 'not aware' of it. It's classic paranoia.
Well, this had led to a very unpleasant experience before and I never really shook it off, no matter how much I told myself that I had.
Let's come back to a more familiar setting, I'm back in the loop - after telling myself that things are different this time round. Except this time, it's not my confirmations which need support. See, I was 'not around' for a long time and things... well, they kind of went in a direction I never imagined. This didn't bother much at first and I was letting it slip unnoticed. See, here the loop winds itself around me.
Anyways, it's more about why exactly this time round I need more support than ever. See, things were already a bit messed up - lines were blurry and being a man with foggy lens didn't pan out for me. I never realized that deep within other people, there still lies a very fundamental want for things to work out their way. And their way was... let's just say sketchy.

Now I would like to divert the reader's attention to a social observation: There are two chimps in a cage. A large one and a skinny one. A banana was given to the larger chimp. The banana being stale or not of liking was immediately rejected and thrown out the cage. The other chimp put out his hand for the banana to be given to him instead. As soon as the banana was given to the other chimp, the first one snapped at him and took the banana for himself.

The reason I mentioned this old and rudimentary observation is that humans are pretty much the same. That I knew and ready to believe in. But what if the banana had a will of it's own? Would it prefer to be taken by the larger chimp?
These thought experiments are not science and really more of random pondering. But, I'm going to stick with a yes. This is actually an inference of another observation which I'll keep for some other time.

Emotions tend to get conflicted then and there's an ever going battle between what's obviously right and what's obviously your right. The potent force of truth seem rather lost. I'm stuck in the loop, again. I can't get out of it, because I simply don't want to.

I won't quit because I'm just a hopeless optimist. The problem is, other people are too.

©2013 Aman Gupta

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